So for the last hour I have spent time writing your both a beautiful Chrstmas message and I forgot to press something and poof it's gone. So I am going to start over...
As the Christmas day is coming to an end I am laying here in my bed with my Princess Lola thinking about all of my blessings. You know boys some people think that I am so crazy for feeling that I have blessings's considering my health problems and the fact that I have had 15 kinds of surgeries and chemo and radiation and so much more in the last 3 years but I look at you both and Daddy laying in his spot on the couch and my heart just melts. The Christmas tree is in the back ground and all the gift s strewn about and my heart melts. No mattaer what I do to stay alive boys I will fight till the end to have moments like this one because that is really what Chrstmas is about. I am so proud of the both of you for starting a new Keaney family tradition and I look forward to being well enough to get involved next year and that is helping out at the Salvation Army. Sort toys and food and seeing that there are so many people out there especailly this time of year that need our help and although we can't afford to donate alot of money yet we can certainly donate our time and sometimes time is more valuble.
You never know with what little thing we do how much it is making a difference in someone's life and you and your brother get that Christmas is about so many things and you have learned that the hard way by Mommy being sick and having so many generous people help us out that for once this year it is an amazing feeling to know that we were able to give back a little bit. And that little bit will always get bigger each year. Becuase you know boys 2 years ago Mommy and Daddy didn't know how we were going to put presents under the tree or make a nice family supper and it was really sad and scary but Mommy had just gotten through my Chemo and Radiation and thought I would be back at work by this time and it was so impossible but Mommy made a wich and some very special elves came to our rescue and helped us silently with not wanting any recognition or pay back we were able to put food on the table and fill out tree full of gifts for you and your brother. Nana and Gumpy were here that year and we had a very nice day. It isn't about how much you get it's about wh you share it with and that you don't forget the meaning of Christmas is family and the fact that I am here this year is our biggest gift of all. I couldn't say that 3 years ago. I wouldn't have started this and you wouldn't have known in my words how much I cherish you and love you and how proud I am to be your Mother.
I look around this house and see you Jackson and you Griffin and Daddy in his spot on the couch with the soft lights of the tree and decorations in the back ground and I feel overwhelmed with graciouness and pride. I feel so blessed that the tears I have running down my face are so full of love and blessings that they are heavey down my face. I know that some people have a hard time imagining how I could possibly feel blessed when the last 3 years have been Hell for me but looking at all that I have and all the love I am surrounded with makes me feel like the luckiest Mommy in the whole world. The only things that are missing are Auntie Buffy, Auntie Kelly, and The rest of my family being here with us but again I am blessed becuase Daddy's family loves Mommy like I am one of them so that eases the pain I feel in my heart.
Boys you are the heart and soul of my existance and well being and I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that as my health worsens and more things come to the surface I will do my best to push myself as hard as I can to be the best Mom I can and try to continue to get as well as I can. I will do whatever that Doctor's tell me to do to stay on this earth as long as it is my time plus maybe a little longer because i am so stubborn. You pull me through all that is bad and make me do things that hurt so bad but have a positive outcome and you make me want to be brave so that I can take tests that are so painful I want to scream but i f I don't have them I won't know what is wrong and you give me the bright light at the end of the tunnle I so desperatly need to get through this life that God has given me. I know he only gives you what you can handle but when it is so difficult and I don't think I can handle it I think of you and Griffin and i know I can do it for you. Thank you Jackson and Griffin you are my hearo's and you inspire me to always do better in this world.
Mommy
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