I can't beleive I deleted the first one...

So for the last hour I have spent time writing your both a beautiful Chrstmas message and I forgot to press something and poof it's gone. So I am going to start over...

As the Christmas day is coming to an end I am laying here in my bed with my Princess Lola thinking about all of my blessings. You know boys some people think that I am so crazy for feeling that I have blessings's considering my health problems and the fact that I have had 15 kinds of surgeries and chemo and radiation and so much more in the last 3 years but I look at you both and Daddy laying in his spot on the couch and my heart just melts. The Christmas tree is in the back ground and all the gift s strewn about and my heart melts. No mattaer what I do to stay alive boys I will fight till the end to have moments like this one because that is really what Chrstmas is about. I am so proud of the both of you for starting a new Keaney family tradition and I look forward to being well enough to get involved next year and that is helping out at the Salvation Army. Sort toys and food and seeing that there are so many people out there especailly this time of year that need our help and although we can't afford to donate alot of money yet we can certainly donate our time and sometimes time is more valuble.

You never know with what little thing we do how much it is making a difference in someone's life and you and your brother get that Christmas is about so many things and you have learned that the hard way by Mommy being sick and having so many generous people help us out that for once this year it is an amazing feeling to know that we were able to give back a little bit. And that little bit will always get bigger each year. Becuase you know boys 2 years ago Mommy and Daddy didn't know how we were going to put presents under the tree or make a nice family supper and it was really sad and scary but Mommy had just gotten through my Chemo and Radiation and thought I would be back at work by this time and it was so impossible but Mommy made a wich and some very special elves came to our rescue and helped us silently with not wanting any recognition or pay back we were able to put food on the table and fill out tree full of gifts for you and your brother. Nana and Gumpy were here that year and we had a very nice day. It isn't about how much you get it's about wh you share it with and that you don't forget the meaning of Christmas is family and the fact that I am here this year is our biggest gift of all. I couldn't say that 3 years ago. I wouldn't have started this and you wouldn't have known in my words how much I cherish you and love you and how proud I am to be your Mother.

I look around this house and see you Jackson and you Griffin and Daddy in his spot on the couch with the soft lights of the tree and decorations in the back ground and I feel overwhelmed with graciouness and pride. I feel so blessed that the tears I have running down my face are so full of love and blessings that they are heavey down my face. I know that some people have a hard time imagining how I could possibly feel blessed when the last 3 years have been Hell for me but looking at all that I have and all the love I am surrounded with makes me feel like the luckiest Mommy in the whole world. The only things that are missing are Auntie Buffy, Auntie Kelly, and The rest of my family being here with us but again I am blessed becuase Daddy's family loves Mommy like I am one of them so that eases the pain I feel in my heart.

Boys you are the heart and soul of my existance and well being and I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that as my health worsens and more things come to the surface I will do my best to push myself as hard as I can to be the best Mom I can and try to continue to get as well as I can. I will do whatever that Doctor's tell me to do to stay on this earth as long as it is my time plus maybe a little longer because i am so stubborn. You pull me through all that is bad and make me do things that hurt so bad but have a positive outcome and you make me want to be brave so that I can take tests that are so painful I want to scream but i f I don't have them I won't know what is wrong and you give me the bright light at the end of the tunnle I so desperatly need to get through this life that God has given me. I know he only gives you what you can handle but when it is so difficult and I don't think I can handle it I think of you and Griffin and i know I can do it for you. Thank you Jackson and Griffin you are my hearo's and you inspire me to always do better in this world.

Mommy

I am so glad I am here..............

Well this weekend has been a very nice weekend. I hope that everyone has had as much fun as me. Jackson what you did on Friday night was the highlight of my life! I was so grateful that we took advantage of our private time together. We went to MacDonalds for a Sundae and you so graciously spent your allowance to take me out. It was late and we were alone which never happens and you suggested that we go out and have an ice cream and I was hesitant as always and I am just so glad you convinced me to go because it was the best time I have had in such a long time and just being with you and having some one on one time meant so much to me.

Then Saturday we got to go and have breakfast with Santa and Grandma and Papa and the Sweeney's which we have done the last 2 Christmas's and Mommy really enjoys that day it is really special to me because we get to catch up and just sit and enjoy eachother's company and we always go as a family which is the icing on the cake! Now is the time that I really start to miss my family. I find it hard to be away from Auntie Buffy especially and her boys because I know we would have so much fun all together if we ever had the chance but because of certain circumstances that will never happen. We will however The bender's mean alot to us. You and Emily started it all in the Burlington Childeren's Centre when you had such a hard time when Mommy had to leave you and little sweet Emily would come over to you and hold you until you stopped crying and little did we all know that Kim was in the hallway hugging Mommy so that she would stop crying! That is where it all began and we have been friends ever since. Daddy and Duane are best friends and Meaghan and Griffin are best friends and you and Emily are best friend and so are Kim and I. Kim has been there for Mommy at every surgery and as many Dr.\s appointments since I was diagnosed with Cancer and I just couldn't have gone through these last few years without her.

you and Emily have such an amazing relationship. It is so mature for your age but it's like you just understand eachother so well without any questions. You are there for eachother when you need and you just click. It is so nice for us because I feel that Emily has paved the way for you so that you will never go below her standard because she is what you have known she has taught you true love, true friendship, unconditional love, and understanding, guenuine care and laughter. So now you will be attracted to people who only have those qualities because it's all you know. It is so special and the greatest thing about it is that you both appriciate eachother for all the things you bring to the relationship. and for your age that is just amazing. All we can hope for is your friendship will always stay the same and although there will be akward times you will alwyas be ther for one another. Pretty cool.

This Christmas is so special to all of us as I mentioned before this is the first year in 3 years that I won't be just coming home from the hospital or just recovering from surgery or gettting ready to go in for another surgery. i am looking forward to it just being the 4 of us no offence to Grandma and Papa who usually come and have dinner with us and have for the last 8 years but soemtimes it is nice to just be the 4 of us and because this year is so special it means alot to me to all be together alone just haning out in our jammies and playing with all out new toys and games that we have gottten from Santa and friends and family.

Mommy is starting to get stronger. Each day is getting brighter and brighter. I am trying so hard to push through and not let these horrible health issues hold me back anymore and I want you to know that if it weren't for you both I wouldn't have the strength and the willingness to do it. You get me up in the morning and make me enjoy life. That is a big resposibility and I hope you dont' mind the burden that is put upon you because the last thing I want to do is put you under so much stress. It is just you both so naturally make me want to be better. A better Mom to you both, a better friend so I can be a good role model for you, and a better person so that you will always be proud of me and be proud to have me for a Mom.

Merry Christmas Jackson and Griffin thanks for all you do for me and all the times we have had together thus far. I look forward to many more times togother as a family and many more christmas's each one to bring us new and exciting things....

For my boys....

Thanks to an old friend who created one for her beautiful twins Ruby and Nikki I have been given the idea of how to reach my children from now until they are older for them to understand and remember how much I love them and how much they both mean to me. I have fought so hard to be here to watch you grow Jackson and Griffin which I will tell you in all of this so you really understand during these times how hard I have tried in case God decides that it is my time you will never question my dedication and love that I will always have for you and Daddy. I thank you Gita for coming back in my life and for guiding me to this excellent idea of bloging for my boys. I have done some videoing for you and I have my Caring Bridge Site but this boys is just for you. The two loves of my life who I never in a million years thought I could ever have so much love in my heart for. I love Daddy and he has been by my side and loves you as much as Mommy does and we work so hard to give you everything you ever want and desire. You both are so loved by everyone you meet. You both have a special gift of loving and sharing your love for life and people are drawn to you because of that. You stand out in a croud and you make us so proud. Hey I ryme and I didn't even try!!

Well I just wanted to get started today and write a short note but I will be writing lots and everytime I think of something so I can't wait to begin this for you both. You deserve to know how much you are loved.